Monday, 29 June 2015

make it stop

happy and carefree, oh so i was
i rly do miss this version of me

no one's probably gonna read this
and it's not like anyone's gonna care

like you
you're probably gonna close the page as soon as you realise this post is a rather depressing one
it's alright
i'm used to talking to myself

i realised i haven't been myself lately
it's like an utterly depressing demon has latched itself inside of me,
refusing to let me go and be happy

i've been really really stressed out at school
and i know for sure, that that's a contributing factor as to why i'm always so down in the dumps
year 2 is really no joking matter
i have 6 on-going projects and 4 exams coming up at this very moment

honestly, it's like i don't know how to be me anymore
everyone expects the happy, carefree mel and it sucks to know that she's not here right now
idk how many times i've been asked "are you okay, mel? you look really tired" in the past couple of months

well to answer that question,
no. no i'm not okay. no, i'm not tired... i'm just tired of life.

i used to be able to enjoy watching my shows
i used to be able to be the 'fun' one in the group
i used to be able to go to school and know my purpose in life

but now,
now... i just feel empty. with no aim. no meaning to the life i'm living.

it's not anyone's fault, but mine i guess
i let myself go astray with negative thoughts and stress
i spend days telling myself how worthless i am and let myself believe those words
i became everything i told myself i'd never be again

// i'm not supposed to say this. i promised not to. //

but here's the deal
i had depression before

i did not have a very happy childhood
i know how it feels to be bullied, taunted
to be called things like 'loser', 'worthless' and be constantly laughed at
i let myself slip into a spiral of negativity that i took quite a while to get out of

i'd like to say that that experience was what made me the person i am today
well... was until this year

now... now i just don't know what to do anymore
i don't know how to be that person i used to be
i can't stop the feeling of dread and despair swirling inside of me
i feel myself getting sadder and sadder each day
and it hurts to know that nothing i do seems to be helping me get out of this pit of sorrow

but i'm trying
i really am

i read somewhere that sufficient exercise, social support, eating healthy and challenging your negative thoughts result in happiness
and i so crave happiness

so from this day on,
i will attempt to slowly pick myself up from the dumps i've been straying the past couple of months

i will exercise
i will try to interact more
i will eat healthy
and i will (TRY) to tell myself i'm worth it

it won't be easy
but i owe it to my parents, my family, my friends
and most especially

if you somehow ended up reading this entire post and are reading this right now,
please give me your support and bare with me the next few months.
it's not going to be easy for me and i'll most probably slip back to my old state from time to time
i'm only human

[sorry for this self-rant, self-pity post. i just couldn't hold it back anymore.]


Friday, 9 January 2015

for the last time

"once a kc-ian, always a kc-ian"

i'm pretty sure that whoever's reading this has had their instagram timeline blown up at least once by ex-kc girls posting kc dedications. well, it's my turn now. 

so here's what you need to know about me before i begin:
✔ i'm a true blue ij girl - 10 years
✔ i grew up being a kc girl - enrolled in both kcp and kc

if you didn't know already, kc is going to go through something called 'prime'. that basically means that kc is going to be torn down and re-built. now, with this knowledge in hand, of course i had to go back and see the school for the last time.

{it was extra special for me bc i went back on my birthday (12th nov) - the last day alumni could visit the school before it closed officially.}


me - 402 12'

lauren - 404 12'

wing - 402 12'

402 classroom

it was pretty hard to get into my classroom as it was the only one that was locked on the whole level. but lucky for us, we had wing. hahahaha! you see, back in the day, whenever our classrooms were locked and we didn't have the key with us, we would check to see if the windows at the back were open or not. if they were, JACKPOT.  

yes, these windows.

so what we would basically do is to go to the back and climb through the windows to unlock the door in front. as simple as that. 
#problemsolved #innovativeproblemsolver

and that's how we got in  :-)

it felt to surreal to be back in the place where i spent 25/8 of my life. this classroom held many fond memories for me. ok let me just start by saying how much i love and miss my class. 
like seriously we were such a big bunch of goofs:

and so was ms sim hahahaha


and then there was me
{and rodrigues in the back hahahaha}

i remember decorating the classroom for chinese new year (as you can see above - the backboard) and book & music week. 

i can honestly say that i'm thankful that i went to normal acad - mainly bc i got to spend 4 years of my life with these people. i don't know what my life would be like now if i had never met them.

now here are some of the pictures i took in class,


this picture was especially funny to me bc back when i was still in kc, we were never allowed to charge or use our phones. don't get me wrong, people in class still did it anyway.

i, however, never did bc i was that goody-two-shoes councillor.

ava theatre (aka kc's lecture theatre)

gosh, this place used to creep me out.
there were many ghost stories told about room at the back (aka the council room) that i don't intend on sharing anytime soon. hahahahahaha.

anyway, i remember this room most for geography classes with mrs siva, council and drama elect (dep) meetings. i remember how the class would always make fun of mrs siva's ink-less markers and how she would grumble every time she tried writing on the board with one.

the ava theatre also held one of my favourite dep memories - making macbook music videos. omg that day was hilarious. we blasted music from ili's macbook and left her photobooth running on video until we were done making numerous stupid music videos. we would dance at different spots of the room and climb all over the tables. it was classic.

and of course, lauren and i had to recreate that when we went back.

yes, there was a lot of this ^ going on in our amateur music video.

e.o.a. room (aka the 2nd home of every dep girl)

omg ok no, i lied above when i said that the 402 classroom was the place i spent 25/8 in. it was the e.o.a. room. this was like my 2nd home.

oh gosh, i miss the dep classes we'd have here every monday and tuesday, anD OH MY GOSH THE LIGHTS. DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE LIGHTS. the lights were like the coolest part of the e.o.a room, even though they weren't that good and blew out if we used it too much.

cool lights = brilliant lighting = abundant number of photoshoots:

idek what's happening here ^

my dep girls and i spent so much time here filming our o lvl exam pieces for cambridge. even though we were only required to come for classes on mondays and tuesdays, we still came everyday to rehearse. but also, with work, comes play.

i have so many fond memories of this room. i remember blasting music on the speakers and dancing around to songs as part of our pre-warmup-warmup. {our warmup was yoga. and it hurt. a lot.}

romane's face here hahahaha she was so worried

and of course... planking

this was sec 2 i think lol ^

anyway, lauren and i couldn't resist taking photos 

school hall & control room

next, we headed towards our beloved yet small school hall. i remember the days when the hall would be packed solid with girls in blue. i can't even remember the last time i got to sit down in this hall during assembly. i would either stand at the back with the other councillors or hang with wing in the control room.

ndp 12'

ah, there's wing. she was trying to break into the control room. 

btw, i found it really amusing that my stupid bob drawing is still there. i drew that when i was like sec 2??? back when i was still part of logistics in council.

omg that reminds me of this ghost encounter wing and i had when i was still in log. let's just say we saw something at backstage whilst we were setting up the av equipment for an event at like 6am in the morning. it was freaking scary i swear. and wing can back me up on that story.

black box

welcome to our small black box. this was the place us dep girls had to go to if our e.o.a room was being used by some other people.

and ofc, one of the best places to take photobooth photos since there's a green screen...

that doesn't actually serve its purpose of being a green screen as you can see

i still remember the cockroach incident in this room. all of us were totally calm, completely fine doing our drama theory work when suddenLY THIS UGLY SHIT OF A COCKROACH STARTED RUNNING AROUND THE DAMN ROOM. there's an actual video of us trying to get rid of the cockroach. screaming was involved.

found the video: ew cockroaches

oh and funny story - we found black paint so we decided we'd be like everyone else and vandalise the school

stupid lauren didn't know how to spell 'dep'

...turns out the school wasn't planning on tearing down the block where the black box was located. hahahahaha. so basically, we vandalised the only part of the school that we weren't supposed to vandalise. #smart

we thought they were gonna demolish everything okay!!
thank god they're gonna repaint it. phew.


damn, i miss having morning assembly here and doing my morning routine.
i had to sing the national anthem almost everyday and lead in pledge taking. it was scary, but i miss it. i also miss doing flag-raising.


the place i'd start my day with. i remember reaching school early to meet up with my fellow excos to catch up and do {last-minute} school work at our exco table. ah, good times. i also remember being ic of those girls who had to do detention in the foyer. lol.

one of my favourite games to play in the foyer is 'find the country'. {bc of the map on the floor}
how to play: one person on the sidelines will shout the name of a specific country and everyone playing will have to scramble to find its location on the map. the last person to find it will have to do a forfeit or smth. hahaha lame, but fun.

alright, so that was basically how i spent my last day at the compound.

more pictures:

i laughed rly hard at this ^
{what happened, 403???}

dysfunctionally sexy

our blocks :')

mandatory toilet shot
{also, we have rly dirty mirrors}

met ms lenden and we talked for quite a while!!

rly happy that this is still on the council board

talking to ms scully on the phone :')


bumped into yu ling!!

alright that's all
gonna end it with one of my favourite quotes...
"once a kc girl, always a kc girl"